


What We Are

by Bookkbaby



Series: Consent [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Consent, M/M, discussion of consent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-21
Updated: 2014-05-21
Packaged: 2018-01-25 23:35:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1666601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bookkbaby/pseuds/Bookkbaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This, Cas wanted for himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What We Are

Cas's heart pounded in his chest. His palms were sweaty and head was light with excitement and nerves.

If what Sam had said was true, and Dean really had been holding himself back out of respect for Cas... Castiel's heart swelled. He hadn't thought it possible he could love Dean _more_.

He'd been manipulated and misled by so many people. It was heartening to know that Dean, at least, would take care not to take advantage of him, even by accident.

Though in this case, Dean really needn't have worried. Cas's feelings for Dean ran deeply and long, washing away and re-shaping the granite of Cas's core into infinitely beautiful canyons. Dean was a force of nature and he'd carved himself a place in Cas's heart. Cas sought Dean now not out of obligation, or of any desire to repay Dean for all he'd done; the need to atone was still present and keenly felt, but entirely separate from this.

This, Cas wanted for himself.

He'd long wanted to wake with Dean in the mornings, to be permitted to stand at Dean's side without excuse, to hold Dean and be held in turn. Cas wanted to kiss him and be kissed, to touch him and be touched. He wanted intimacy.

If Dean wanted that with him too...

If all that stood in the way were Dean's fears about Cas doing this out of obligation, he would simply allay those fears. If Dean saw that these desires were long-standing and completely Castiel's own, entirely unaffected by the circumstances they found themselves in, perhaps Dean would allow himself happiness. Perhaps Dean would allow them both to have what they so desperately wanted, if only he could be convinced that Cas would choose this in any world, in any circumstance, given the freedom to do so.

Cas finally found Dean in the kitchen. He was humming a tuneless melody as he stirred something that smelled amazing on the stove. Cas took a moment to breathe. His own pulse seemed deafening in his ears.

"Dean," he said. Dean half-jumped, startled, and turned to face Cas.

"Damnit, Cas, we need to get you a bell," he said. Though his tone was sharp, there was fondness tugging at his lips and the corners of his eyes. Cas gave Dean a small smile in exchange.

"Dinner's almost done," Dean said, turning away from Cas again. "I think you'll like fajitas."

Cas stepped forward, something warm pulsing in his chest. He took a deep breath.

"That's not why I came here," Cas said.

"Something wrong?" Dean asked. He stirred the strips of meat once more and then turned off the heat and dumped the cooked strips onto a waiting plate covered in paper towels to drain.

Cas watched silently, suddenly uncertain of how to begin. Considering how poorly lies had served him in the past, perhaps it would be best to just start with brutal honesty.

"I'm in love with you," he said. His heartbeat seemed to triple even as a great weight lifted from his shoulders.

Dean's mouth dropped open. He stared at Cas, shock and hope warring in his eyes before a sudden surge of wariness closed down his features once more. Dean shut his eyes. Cas frowned, opening his mouth to speak again, but Dean beat him to it.

"Cas..." Dean swallowed. "Did you talk to Sam?"

"Yes," Cas said, puzzled. Dean took a shuddering breath, expression pinching tightly, and he turned away.

"Get out of my kitchen," Dean said tightly. "Just... go back to your room or something, I don't know."

Cas stared at Dean's back, wondering how the conversation had gone so badly awry so quickly.

"Dean-" he started. Dean cut him off.

" _Cas._ " There was a plea in Dean's voice, a desperate request for solitude, but Cas would not grant it.

"Sam didn't ask me to do this for you," Cas said. "He didn't have to talk me into it, if that's what you're thinking."

Dean snorted.

"He wouldn't have to, would he?" Dean said, equal parts bitter and heartbroken. "All he'd have to do is _mention it_ , and-" Dean took a deep breath. "You don't owe me _shit_ , Cas. Do all the damn chores you want, if it makes you feel better, but... not this. Don't do this."

There was that pleading note in Dean's voice again, a silent 'to me' at the end of his sentence that Cas heard all the same. Dean was tense and wound tightly, defenses on high and Cas ached to reach out and offer what comfort he could.

So he did.

Cas stepped forward, as close as he dared, and lifted a hand to place it on Dean's back. Dean breathed in sharply but did not turn.

"Dean," Cas said quietly. "Has it occurred to you that maybe I want you, too?"

Dean swallowed. Cas could feel the muscles shifting beneath his palm. Given that Dean didn't seem inclined to speak, Cas decided to forge ahead, concealing nothing.

"I have loved you for a very long time," Cas admitted softly. "I don't know how long; by the time I realized what I felt, I was already in love."

"When?" Dean asked. He cleared his throat. "When did you realize?"

Cas closed his eyes.

"Stull."

Dean shuddered beneath Cas's hand. Cas dared move even closer.

"I would not lie to you about this," Cas said firmly. They lapsed into silence for a moment.

"If that's true... why didn't you say anything before?" Dean asked, but the suspicion in his voice was wavering. _Dean_  was wavering, on the verge of capitulation.

"Why didn't you?" Cas replied. Dean turned slowly, hopeful but still conflicted, his inner goodness struggling with his desires.

"Cas..." Dean placed a hand over Cas's, which now rested on Dean's chest after his turn. "Do you... you're not-?" Dean's voice was hoarse and uncertain. Cas smiled gently.

"I want to be with you," Cas said simply, staring Dean in the eyes so he could read the truth there.

Their faces were close, Cas realized. Close enough that he could feel each puff of air as Dean breathed out, and the expansion of Dean's chest as he breathed in. A slight tilt, a slow lean, and they would be kissing.

Cas thought he'd like that.

"Promise me," Dean said, voice thick. "Promise me that you want this, that I'm not-- that Sam didn't--" Dean breathed in again. "You know you don't have to, right?"

"I know," Cas said.

"'Cause I wouldn't-" Dean started.

"Dean, I know," Cas said softly. Dean swallowed and nodded, his gaze darting to Cas's lips and then back to his eyes.

"You want me too?" Dean asked, voice small and disbelieving. Cas smiled.

"Yes," he said. Dean smiled, thin and wavering, and leaned closer. Cas's heart sped up.

"Can I- do you want-" Dean took a deep breath and cupped Castiel's cheek. "Is this ok?"

Cas leaned into the touch, still smiling.

"Yes," he said.

Dean shifted even closer. Their noses touched. Their breathing mingled.

"You want-" Dean started.

" _Yes_ ," Cas said, voice as emphatic as he could make it without speaking above a whisper. "Dean, kiss me."

Dean made a strangled noise that was half-sob, half-relief, and closed the last of the distance between them. Cas melted into the kiss instantly, blood rushing loudly in his ears as his heartbeat hit a fever-pitch. He was barely conscious of reaching out and pulling Dean closer, only that suddenly Dean's body was a firm press of heat all along his front and that Cas could feel Dean's touch like fire on his skin.

The kiss lasted an eternity and was over in an instant. When Dean pulled away, breathing heavy from the onslaught of emotion, Cas's lips still tingled.

"Cas-" Dean said, questioning, uncertain.

"I love you, Dean Winchester," Cas said, solemn as though they were before an altar. "I have loved you, and will love you, of my own free will. I would be with you in any lifetime, in every world, in any circumstance." He tilted his head forward to rest his forehead lightly against Dean's, loathe to relinquish any contact with him. "Does that answer your questions?"

Dean chuckled breathlessly, the sound still a little shaky.

"Yeah, it does," Dean said. "Cas, I... you know. I love you."

The last sentence was hesitant, unsteady, the words clumsy on Dean's lips and tongue despite how earnestly the sentiment was felt.

Cas smiled, wide and gummy, heart swelling at the sound.

"I know," he said, and kissed Dean again.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on Tumblr at www.bookkbaby.tumblr.com!
> 
> Feel free to hit me up. ^_^


End file.
